The Fate of Tyrlon and other Dubious Things

In an announcement that stunned many analysts today, Apple announced an upcoming 6G iPhone. In the statement to the press Steve Jobs is quoted as saying, “Well, we thought about doing a 3G iPhone, but everyone sort of expected that. Besides, Apple has a long tradition of being an innovator when it comes to creating new interface standards, such as what we did with Firewire. I asked my engineers to come up with something fresh and new, and boy did they deliver!”.

According to Apple, the new 6G standard has 6x the bandwidth of 3G. In fact, using 6G, web pages load faster than a normal broadband connection. When asked about the availability of the new standard, Steve Jobs replied, “We have extremely widespread coverage at the main Apple HQ. In fact I don’t think that there is a spot you can go anywhere in our building where you don’t get 6G coverage! We expect to deploy 6G nation-wide sometime in the next decade but we like to future proof our devices which is why we’re including it now!”.

Analysts in the financial sector were astonished at how breathtakingly bold the move to jump right over 3G and go straight to 6G was for Apple. A few whiners moaned about how 6G is not backwards compatible so devices can’t utilize the existing 3G network, but they were quickly silenced amidst cries of “Heretic!” from other Apple aficionados.

Apple’s stock rating has been upgraded in response to this new announcement to “Scorchingly Hot Good Buy” by analysts across the board.

Note: the above is of course a joke written in the style of “The Onion” and poking fun at all of the rumors and speculation about a 3G iPhone.

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